Sibling rivalries are good practice for conflicts we later see in competitive arenas like sports, politics, and the workplace. Work rivalries can be good or bad. Good ones inspire healthy competition. Bad ones cause friction, rumors, backstabbing, and emotional backlashes in defense of wounded self-images.
While it’s easy to blame disruptive households on bad parenting (or in business, bad management), the rivalry discussion is never that easy; no link exists between sibling enmity and parenting. The same holds true for business. The cause of business rivalries is never that easy to compartmentalize, although some corporate cultures — those who hire competitive people, for example — certainly provide more combustible ingredients than others.
Even in households that demonstrate that rarest and most elusive of all behaviors — brilliant parenting — jealously still ruptures between brothers and sisters. Since sibling rivalry spokes out from any number of factors, as long as the children are safe and happy, and get along reasonably well, there’s nothing to panic about unless fights are more common than hugs.
The same holds true in the workplace. When people are paid to attain different priorities, a certain amount of friction comes with the territory. Too much is toxic. When things go south and cause frustration, unhappiness or bitterness, people lash out. When they do, business leaders should immediately step into the fray and deal firmly with the culprits.
Rivalries are not just a people problem; humans own no monopoly. Rivalries surround us, as competition is prevalent throughout the animal kingdom. Animals, to their credit, tend to fight over fewer things. They fight mostly over food and, to some extent, for sex. The Alpha dog syndrome is a good illustration.
Humans rivalries are more complicated. Humans also fight for food and do irrational things for love, but also fight for time or attention, recognition, and many other things. Jealousy, of course, is at the root of much of human combustion. Jealousy of what you have, who you are, where your office is located, your paycheck, your car, your tax bracket, you name it — people will argue over it. People fight for space in traffic and over cheap stuff on retailers’ discount tables. Logical? No. Typical? Quite.
Here are five reasons (besides jealousy) for human rivalry:
1. Children, regardless of age, always seem to compete for the love and attention of their parents. When one child senses his or her parents favor another, the non-favored offspring often cultivates sibling hatred, jealousy, or anger. Adult workers behave similarly. People fight for power, dominance, and attention inside their own little worlds. This problem is as old as people. Shakespeare made a career writing about it.
2. Similar age chronology. Two people of the same relative age and experience compare and jockey for perceived stronger self-image. By constantly comparing ourselves to others, we can judge ourselves to be “winning” or “losing.” Two timeless cliches come to mind: “Keeping up with the Joneses” and “It’s not how well you’re doing that matters, but how poorly your enemies are.” People who judge others as inferior feel superior, which causes obvious trouble. Companies that stoke competition among competitive people by design should safeguard their work environment so it’s the competition — not the enmity that comes from it — that flourishes. Subjective measurements are very risky. The business world is not a beauty pageant; trophies go to producers.
3. Any inconsistency in treatment between two people, even a small amount, can trigger significant emotional dissatisfaction. For example, these may be unequal amounts of love, respect, or recognition, or perceived differences in the value of people’s opinions. Even if inaccurate presumptions, the aggrieved does not care. In a world of perceived injury, how he or she sees it is how it really is. In business, “perception (truly) is reality.” In the home it may not be. But in the workplace, it always is. Want to change the climate? Change the perception.
4. People with a bruised self-image, low self-esteem, lack of social skills, or inadequate education often cultivate aggressive personalities used as defense mechanisms. These people are often so hypersensitive that no amount of validation from others is believed, trusted, or enough. Mind games at work create this, which is sad. Each of us can be a positive or negative influence on the lives of those we work with. Why anyone would choose to be negative to others is beyond me. That said, throughout the years I have seen and worked with some remarkable poisonous souls.
5. Children tend to replicate as adults what they watched their parents do. If parents resolve conflicts by yelling, screaming, and fighting, guess what? Their kids will be combative. If parents are quiet, respectful, and diplomatic, chances are the kids will emulate those behaviors. Smart leaders take the time to learn the childhood influences of all their key people, plus they know themselves very well — they realize their upbringing helped shape their management and problem resolution style.
These are five very common causes of workplace rivalries. How smart managers and leaders act to resolve friction situations has a huge impact on leadership effectiveness. Doing nothing, by the way, is a sign of leadership weakness. But doing nothing is common — way too common — because many managers despise confrontation and will do anything to avoid it. The best way to avoid is, of course, do nothing.
In many ways, good managing is like good parenting. I used to say, tongue in cheek, that my job as a sales leader was to babysit dressed-up parents after they dropped off their kids at the babysitter. Like most good jokes, there is more than a grain of truth to it.
Bad leaders, like bad parents, do nothing at all or over-react. They scold their people openly in front of others, belittle or judge them wrong (or even “stupid”). Because the manager is dragged into refereeing a ruckus that’s uncomfortable for him or her to deal with, they tend to react poorly — which worsens the situation.
It’s far smarter to deal with a rivalry situation in a more confident, mature, and assured manner. Talk to your people privately first, together if necessary. Strive to involve multiple parties equally. Avoid perceived biases and bend over backward to show no favoritism. Present yourself as sincerely concerned and demonstrate positive, role model behavior. Judge less, understand more. Understanding strengthens leadership power.
If you do those things, you have a better-than-average chance your rivals will stop fighting. But if you choose not to be engaged and let the rivalries escalate, then jealousy, acrimony, spite, and organizational divisiveness will fester.
Business is hard enough when we’re all committed to the same cause and pulling together. But when we aren’t, ego-driven, in-house friction will cause more problems than any competitor. Because of that, tolerate no workplace rivalries other than those that inspire healthy competition.
After all, in business we do not get paid to babysit. We get paid to win.
Carol Emmett says
November 30, 2015 at 12:52 amIn my experience regarding this matter in the workplace by far too much time is spent dealing with this while companies need to stress and facilitate more education and follow up to reduce workplace rivalry which can lead to unproductivity and loss of monetary gain.
Ocean Palmer says
December 19, 2015 at 11:45 amCarol,
Thank you for your note. This is why I prefer to use life skills as a vehicle for better business and living. Work styles cause conflict, as does what I call “3-headed juggling.” Each of us goes through life juggling how we want to appear to others, how we DO appear to others, and–deep down–who we really are. People who are comfortable with themselves generally don’t get as tripped up in rivalries, etc. It’s more likely to occur in those with self-image and self-esteem issues, of which too many suffer. Thanks again…and best for the holidays. ~ Ocean Palmer