Ah, the dictionary’s most dreaded seven-letter word, defined thusly: “noun. A permanent end of business. Barring of access. A sense of finality.”
Real life’s definition is never so simple. Real life defines closure as something we do to others before they do it to us, on a full sprint en route to running and hiding. Or vice-versa. “I need closure!” is also a common substitute for, “Dangnabbit! Why can’t I get over it?”
However you prefer to define it, closure is emotionally taxing (and sometimes debilitating) because it resides in the heart and mind. Because of that, closure is not remedied by diet and exercise. Chocolates help but cannot conquer. Closure requires the reconciliation of important, uncontrollable things.
Uncontrollable stress-creators exploit vulnerabilities because of how they’re processed by the mind: to extremes, accompanied by relentless circles of “what if.” Because of this uncontrollable worries have no boundaries. They are spaceships of the mind.
Like regret, closure does not fit in a box. Since we may never be able to find out the facts behind what really happened, we never wallow in self-pity. If so we’ll never move on.
People seeking closure have suffered a major injury in their psyche’s energy system that stems from a shock or many shocks over time. The difference between physical injury and life energy injury is that time does not heal energy injuries. The life energy body is timeless, and unless direct action is taken to repair its injuries, the psyche will remain injured and emotionally raw, essentially forever.
Emotions are the feedback mechanism our body energy uses to tell us where there is something wrong; and just like physical pain is in direct cause-and-effect with how bad the injury is. Lack of closure retards progress. Every day wasted means a better day is lost and, since life sprawls before us, it’s vital to remain aware of how time decisions directly impact our quality of life.
So how do we get the all-important closure? Here are seven floodlights to help illuminate the darkness:
1. Know your enemy within. Define what lingers inside. Usually this is anger or guilt: anger over what someone did (magnified when we don’t feel they were held accountable), or guilt over something we did or did not do. Guilt causes regret, which drives the desire for closure.
2. Forgive. Easy to say, bloody impossible sometimes. Freeing ourselves from someone else’s selfishness or ugliness accelerates emotional strengthening. Forgiveness enables us to begin distancing from the pain. When the enemy’s evil deeds come to mind, don’t vilify them for the umpteenth time. Instead, wish them the best. At first these good wishes may feel awkwardly and contrived, insincere or hypocritical, but keep doing it. Eventually this will become a new habit. When it does, anger and pain will dissipate.
3. Apologize. If you are the one who needs forgiveness, stop running. Apologize! When you do:
- Do not make excuses. Take ownership. An apology tied to an excuse is not an apology; it’s a cop-out. Take full responsibility.
- Avoid using negative prepositions such as “but” and “however.” These send contradictory, mixed messages.
- Find the true, underlying reason that caused you to make the offense and describe it. If appropriate, add what you learned that will help you avoid making a similar future mistake.
4. Take appropriate action. The more often you see reminders, the more you will search for answers you do not have. The best thing to do is throw away or donate pain-causers to charity. Convert a regret into a good deed others will appreciate.
5. Start moving forward. You will never erase a memory, so use this experience to better yourself by helping others. Resolve never to make the same mistake again, and take it a step further: help others avoid making similar mistakes. If you were a victim, reach out to other victims, and teach others how to avoid or deal with the wrongdoing you faced.
6. Stop questioning yourself. Everyone deserves closure at the end of a relationship. When someone denies us this, it is usually due to two selfish reasons:
- He or she does not want to deal with the conversation, or
- He or she is trying to have a form of control over the situation, which is also a way of inflicting purposeful hurt.
7. Police your mind against recurring negativity. When we create a list of what we want to change, we suddenly have alternate channels to take when stinkin’ thinkin’ recurs. Stay busy and pursue fun. Awake time passes one of four ways: we can waste it, spend it, invest it, or cherish it. The actions we choose determine how each day evolves. As we move forward, strive to waste and spend less time with things (like this) that have no payoff. Instead, route your time decisions to activities that invest and cherish as much time as possible.
After energy injuries finally heal, do not expect to live as though nothing happened. Whatever happened doesn’t disappear; it is not forgotten and will not be forgotten, but the pain will be gone. This is very important for people who suffer from losing a loved one or have been attacked and hurt. Injuries like this are never “closed” as the definition suggests. Emotional scars will always be with us, a part of life, but we won’t hurt any longer. Because of that we are free to live again.
Seeking to not be in pain any longer is important because what we are really looking for is true, proper closure—not for what happened, but of the wounds we’ve sustained—those invisible injuries that are impediments to living life properly. This need not be as overwhelmingly difficult as it sometimes seems.
Everybody has an energy body, and this energy body has healing mechanisms that can make things better in an evolutionary, incremental process that heals wounds in a real and practical sense. Step one is to stop hurting all the time. Step two lets the hurt reoccur less frequently. Steps three and beyond let us move forward with clear conscience.
This process requires emotional mechanics, a tool set, so to speak, in order to repair a leakage of emotional energy. Those tools are in your head and heart. Use as needed and coach others, too.