As more people withdraw to keyboards interactions instead of talking over the telephone or in-person, interactive effectiveness when confronted with a difficult conversation is diminished for two reasons: lack of comfort and lack of experience.
Tortuous to the uninitiated, experience makes them easier.
Conflict resolution is sometimes a choice, sometimes a necessity. When faced with circumstances that birth the need for a difficult conversation, we are faced with an option (or business mandate) to fight or flee.
Left to choose, most folks will duck a difficult conversation. Whether one-sided or aggressive and dual-directional — and regardless if we’re talking about business or personal relationships — hurting someone or being hurt inflicts emotional scars the majority of us, if given a choice, would just as soon avoid.
If you are lack confidence during these types of interactions, here are 10 tips to improve your comfort during difficult conversations.
- Have the courage to face it. The quicker you deal with an issue, the quicker it recedes into the past. If you are slow to address the problem, stress grows. Do not let issues fester. If something bugs you, step up and deal with it.
- Seek a private audience. Distractions come in two negative forms, visible and invisible. Manage out all distractions. Use a private setting; and block more than enough time. While difficult conversations need not be long — sometimes taking just a matter of minutes — when you are dealing with someone’s job, life, happiness, or career, sometimes the “What next” discussions protract. Use respectful judgment. Treat people the way you would like to be treated. Don’t short-change the discussion.
- Give, and expect, undivided attention. During discussions, focus solely on the other person. Create a “world of one” environment: you, them, and nothing else. Commit to being totally “in-the-moment.”
- Use ground rules, such as taking turns and not interrupting. Rules are very helpful if you expect a discussion to be interactively two-sided. They aren’t as vital during a single-sender message delivery.
- Look at the person you are speaking to. Don’t avoid eye contact. Expect (and ask, if necessary) the other person to look at you too. The eyes tell more than ears will ever hear.
- Don’t dance. Deal with the issue head-on. If you are letting someone go, tell them quickly. Don’t perfume the pig or tap-dance. Cut to the chase. Get quickly to the heart of the message.
- Avoid personal attacks. Focus on the behavior, circumstance, or catalyst that triggered the discussion. If your feelings are hurt, share specific behavior(s) that cause the pain. Do not condemn the other person: Zero in on the unacceptable nature of his or her behavior.
- If possible, use a positive-negative-positive message delivery. I have found this useful in business and life. Open with something supportive and sincere, address the heart of the issue at hand, and close with a confident reaffirmation that things can surely end up in a more positive place for both parties than where they are today.
- Accept that differences of opinion are okay. People don’t always need to be “right” or “wrong.” This is big; and it is certainly a lesson I wish I had learned prior to my father’s funeral. Both he and I were stubborn and hardheaded. I didn’t learn until too late that sometimes it is okay to have opposing points of view. Learn from my mistake and embrace this principle.
- Don’t cave. Once cornered, people will use all kinds of stall tactics to avoid the inevitable. Tears, guilt, promises, pleas, threats — and any combination thereof — are common reactionary gambits for those receiving bad news. Stick to your guns. Do not let them off the hook or backtrack. If you do, you will regret it 100 percent of the time.
We can go through life being the whipping boy (or girl) for others, or by standing firm and pushing back when the need arises. Navigating life, in my opinion, is easier and better when you deal head-on with things that bug you. No one is better than you and no one is allowed to push you around. If something bugs you or it’s time to deal with a difficult decision — step up and deal with it.
Doing this — getting good at difficult conversations — does not require becoming combative. Like many other social interactions, all it takes to improve is practice.
Effectively dealing with difficult conversations boosts self-confidence, self-image, and self-esteem. Since these situations pop up frequently in both real life and in business, we might as well get good at dealing with them when they do.
Practice these techniques. You’ll be glad you did.