It’s Not About the Customer

I was recently having lunch with a long-time friend and sales executive in Atlanta when he told a story about a customer’s simple ask proving to be virtually impossible to execute. When he finished this story–which was cringe-worthy but laugh out loud funny–he threw up his arms and proclaimed, “It’s not about the customer!”

That comment gave me something to think about, the result of which is shared below. As I have often said, the more gadgets we invent to simplify our lives and automate the office, the more complicated it becomes.

Texting, of course, and the addictive menace that propels it, inspired many of the tongue-in-cheek comments made below, which I compiled that evening and on the flight home. One or two, or thirty or forty, might ring familiar.

This is a long piece for a blog entry, but stick with it. The response I received from a few business connections I’ve shared it pushed me to share it.

“It’s Not About the Customer!”

50 Tricks to Create More Time to Text

1. Remain oblivious. If you cannot see them, they do not exist. If you have the discipline to remain totally absorbed, you will be perfectly positioned to continue oblivious texting. Guard against aggressive interruptions, walking away if necessary.
2. Drive safely. Don’t text and drive. Pull over and text. And then keep texting. When traffic eventually clears and there is no one left to text, it is okay to safely resume driving. When driving on company time it is always acceptable to blame delayed arrivals on traffic or helping another driver with a flat tire.
3. Maximize the many versatile uses of the magic word: “problem.” “No problem.” “You’ve got a problem.” ”Sounds like a problem. “ “There’s a problem with your order.” “ That’s not my problem.”
4. It is quite alright to be rude or belittling if there are no witnesses. Remember: The less polite the interaction, the shorter it will be.
5. When a customer seeks assistance, “turn to Mecca.” Turn your back to the customer and hold up a patience index finger, as if you will be with him or her shortly. They will eventually give up and go away.
6. Avoid eye contact. No eye contact is the best eye contact. In this regard, the workplace is the singles bar of revenue generation. Be invisible. Blend in to your surroundings, like a gray squirrel against tree bark.
7. Feign having exhausted every option. The go-to phrase is, “I’m sorry sir, but there’s nothing more I can do.” By pretending you have exhausted all options, you kill any further expectation that you will remain engaged and dealing with something that is someone else’s problem and that you care nothing about.
8. Pretend you are going to do something. “What can I do to make this right? (beat) I can’t do that.”
9. “The computer says….” Because the computer is the today’s all-knowing and powerful Oz, whatever it says must be true. It is important to assume this air of assumed omnipotence. After all, who’s more right: a customer, or the IT department?
10. “The computer is down.” The message her is clear: Come back later. We are not paid to think. We are paid to do. When you blame the computer for every problem that can possibly arise, every problem that does arise is already taken care of.
11. “You entered it wrong.” Push back on doing it; make others do it again.
12. Stay Teflon. Strategic blame avoids being saddled with sticky responsibilities.
13. Watch the clock and button up early. When a customer walks in as the store or restaurant is about to close, it is very important for the staff to work as a team. Look at each other and the senior should look away, the signal for the junior employee to convey the news, “We’re closed.”
14. Enforce the “Toilets are for Customers Only” rule. If a customer chooses to go, buy bonus texting time by locking the patron inside. But don’t forget to unlock the door before you leave. Otherwise you’ll have to go back and deal with an irate, while pretending someone else did it.
15. Interrupt. Once is an accident, twice is a coincidence, three or more times is a trend. On the phone, they will hang up the phone. In person they will leave. Either way you’re home free.
16. Act deaf. Ask the same question multiple times because you don’t bother to remember the answer the first or second time. Intentionally fail to remember the simplest of answers. Don’t process short-term memory, until the customer huffs off and you’re free to text.
17. Use “they” instead of “us” when referring to the company. This s an important strategy because it creates a distinct line of separation between who is screwing up.
18. Use “Been there, done that.” No matter what the customer says, top him or her. It’s important for them to know that you are better than they.
19. Pile on the judgment statements. Be the official decider over good and bad, right and wrong, fair or unfair. “Fair” is a great pisser-offer.
20. Incorporate suggestive selling that never ends. Regal Cinema, for example. This can apply to the size of the item the customer ordered, related items, and unrelated items. An alternative strategy for a slow-thinking or slow-acting customer is to never suggest anything. Give them what they want and hurriedly get rid of them.
21. Take up smoking or vaping. Going out for a smoke break is God’s gift to digital transmission. Vaping wasn’t invented because people like it; vaping was invented to increase outdoor private time to text.
22. “I’m on break.” This is you go-to phrase to say when you need it, even if the timing is not exactly accurate. This is okay because breaks are situational matters of timing and convenience. Eventually you will be.
23. If two customers arrive together, focus on the man and ignore the woman. This will make her furious and she will pull him away, freeing you back up to go relax. If both are the same sex, speak to one while pretending the other is invisible.
24. Screen phone calls. Most importantly, never return them or, if you must, return them at your leisure.
25. Blame things on race, religion, or social generalization. Batch and typecast. The outliers are the time-consumers.
26. Stay vacant. With that practiced, glassy-eyed look that tips off a lack of engaged interest, ask, “What did you say your name is?” “I just told you (repeat name).” “How do you pronounce that?” “I just told you that to.” “What did you want to drink?” “I told you that too.”
27. Muscle up. Great texters have piano playing fingers andpowerful neck muscles. Throughout the workday, strengthen your neck muscles by looking down as if you’re dozing, and eventually back up again. Practice looking down. The more you do it, the better you’ll get. Nod like a horse and you’ll soon have the text neck of a Thoroughbred.
28. Act super-religious. People will avoid you. Coworkers will, customers will, everyone.
29. Stay up-to-date on weather and news. Be “the Source.” Once you know when and where to look, you can turn non-business info gathering into a niche career path.
30. Work slowly. Then slow down even more. The slower you go, the more likely others will get fed up and do things themselves—which frees up more time for you.
31. Never be great. Great brings more work and higher expectations. Once you are in the vortex you will get stuck doing too much real work, which takes away from personal time.
32. Play the mortality card—not the death card, which has a finite, fact-researchable ending, but the illness card. Feign the serious illness of an in-law, family member, or childhood friend. Do the same with all significant emotional events. AMD: Always Manufacture Drama.
33. Follow everyone on Twitter. Pretend LinkedIn matters. You never know when you might learn something, however trivial, that matters to your boss; or the boss’s boss.
34. Make better time choices. The four choices are yours to determine. The best way to spend more time texting is to free up more wasted time at work.
35. Pretend multitasking is real. And make texting part of your strategic weaponry.
36. Be an illusionist. Velocity of movement, pace, and output—however bad—creates the illusion of productively. Fake busy creates windows of opportunity.
37. Volunteer to look stuff up. Research projects enable you to overestimate the amount of time something truly takes by an average factor of 3X.
38. Copy, cut, and paste: do not create. Thinking wastes time. Borrow others’ thoughts.
39. Be boring. Nobody likes to hang out with boring people. Solitude affords opportunity.
40. Talk all the time. Excessive talkers are often skirted because most people simply do not want to hear them.
41. Program all customer emails to route directly into your junk folder. They will still be there when you finish texting and get around to cruising through them.
42. Leverage biology. The more water you drink, the more frequently you must visit the loo. Biology utilization also can be smartly utilized with the items you choose to eat, since certain digestion challenges can produce clouds of unpleasantness others will wish to avoid.
43. Disengage more. There are four types of employees: Very engaged, somewhat engaged, somewhat disengaged, and disengaged. The more you move toward ‘very engaged’, the more susceptible you will be to increasing workloads and rising expectations. Once you truly master fake-caring, you are home free; and you’ll get better performance appraisals.
44. Take fake notes. Volunteering to take notes during a meeting on an iPad or tablet is a beautiful way to disguise personal productivity. Looking up from time to time and asking someone to repeat something helps fool the speakers too. To buy yourself even more time, ask compound, indirect questions of a motormouth. One good question can buy you fifteen extra minutes, easy.
45. Dress for success. Wear clothes with perfect pockets exactly where you want them, much like a Wild West gunslinger notched his holster. Phone out, phone in, repeat. Fluid access is key.
46. Be vague. “I’ll get back to you,” does not specify when. Deadlines limit options, so keep your timeframes flexible and commitments loose.
47. Bore things down. Boring people have unbalanced conversations, so avoid the give-and-take of normal repartee. Skilled bores pay no attention to the body language of others and avoid the temptation to respond accordingly.
48. Try to be unfunny. Avoid contributing substantive dialogue. Segue witty rejoinders to unrelated, unfunny topics with no direct tie-in to the conversation at hand.
49. Remain oblivious—in both caring and attentiveness—and shrug your shoulders to the shared perspective of others. Never add anything. Because our brains are wired to seek novelty, don’t provide it. Be a desert of brain fuel and social engagement for others.
50. Practice “sudden shock face.” Looking ashen after looking up from your phone screen is guaranteed to buy you time, especially when combined with, “Oh, no! You must excuse me.” Run off without waiting for permission. And don’t laugh on your way out the door.