Whether at work or home, relationships erode because of four things:
1. Criticism
2. Contempt
3. Being too defensive
4. Stonewalling.
Criticism
Criticism is marked by attacks and negativity, the usual tricks of a bully. These stinging attacks hit especially hard on those whose personalities are meek or submissive, or who do not possess a confident self-image.
Contempt
Contempt is shown through put-downs and disdain. Belittling and disrespect are used to make us feel inferior. Often the sender of these messages does so in order to boost his or her own self-esteem, which is typically low to begin with. They try to make themselves feel better by making someone else feel worse.
Being too defensive
Becoming defensive occurs when someone challenges the negative feedback they are receiving by responding with mean, negative retorts aimed back at the initiator. This is a counterproductive “lashing back” technique that plays out like a tennis volley at the net, with both people trading shots.
The television show Seinfeld built an entire episode – The Jerk Store — around this concept. George Costanza took a verbal shot from a co-worker and was determined to think up something wittier to fire back. He failed miserably and never did.
Stonewalling
Stonewalling involves the silent treatment and/or the refusal to share information of emotional value during “clear the air” discussions.
This is called “selective disclosure” and selective disclosure erodes trust. The refusal to come clean on true feelings and relevant information are barriers to rebuilding a relationship.
Stonewalling can involve withholding information, revealing issues of emotional importance, or both.
Those four’s cumulative cost
Each of those irritation techniques will, over time, take its toll. Together they will accelerate hard feelings and cause drama and stress — which will eventually lead to bitter and resentful confrontation.
A better way to react: the “Don’t” & the “Do”
Don’t use negative generalizations.
Whoever fires the first shot need not receive a reciprocal retaliatory response.
To smartly defuse the stress surrounding these potential problem-causers, we must understand the difference between “negative generalizations” and “constructive specifics.”
A negative generalization is a comment like, “You never…” or “I am always the one that has to…”
Do use constructive specifics
Rather than gripe or use a negative generalization, take a more positive approach. Instead of complaining, offer something specific and constructive.
For example, “I would love it if…” or “It would be wonderful if…” are both a heck of a lot more positive and impactful preface statements than the sourpuss whine of a negative generalization like “Why is it always me that has to…”
They go negative, you go constructive
If a co-worker launches a critical statement, the first thing to do is hearing it; and then acknowledge what he or she said. Effective listening requires you to capture two things, content (what they say) and emotion (why it matters). Content you will hear. Emotion you will glean from their voice and tone.
When someone says something negative, do not reflexively judge what he or she said as right or wrong. Nor should you reflexively parry back with a similar, reciprocal shot.
You may — or may not — understand what triggered that person to say whatever negative thing he or she vocalized. If you know why, acknowledge what you heard. Acknowledging and judging are different. An acknowledgement occurs when you play back what you heard to let the speaker know you heard their message. A judgment comes when you decide whether they are right or wrong.
But if you don’t understand the source of the person’s ire, repeat his or her words back and ask for clarification. Do not paraphrase their message by playing back what they said in your own words or by using an irritator such as, “Oh, what you’re trying to say is…”
Doing so is counter-negative: They went negative, so you reply negative. Counter-negatives are bad. Rather than fall into that trap, clarify and test your understanding. Once you are clear with whatever is bugging them, respond with a more constructive response.
How important are positive replies and interactions?
Very! A good marriage counselor will tell you that in the normal course of day-to-day living, positive statements between spouses should flow back and forth at a ratio that outnumbers negative ones by 20-to-1. During a constructive argument the ratio predictably drops, but it’s still a positive-to-negative ratio of about 5-to-1.
Terri Orbuch, author of Finding Love Again: 6 Simple Steps to a New and Happy Relationship, reports that in her research 67 percent of happy couples say their spouse “often” made them feel good about themselves. This is a stark contrast with unhappy couples, where only 27 percent said the same thing.
The moral of the story: “Being nice is free.”
Whether we are talking about a co-worker or a spouse, it’s important to frequently share sincere appreciation. This should be easy for all, since being nice is free.
Just because a relationship is weakening does not mean it must. While much of what surrounds us feeds a disposable and throwaway consumer-based society, relationships are more important than that.
When the need arises, make it part of your personal brand that you are one who values and fixes relationships. And when you do, be proud of it -– and encourage others to do the same.