Two snaking, overlapping things — narcissism and flawed personal integrity — reportedly branded as “sexual addiction,” have teamed to implode the legacy of Tiger Woods.
Narcissism is a modern four-syllable synonym for what ancient Greeks called hubris. In Greek mythology Narcissus was a handsome young man who rejected the love of nymph Echo; as punishment, he was doomed to fall in love with his reflection in a pond. Tiger’s pond is probably the one fronting the 12th green at Augusta National.
This personality condition — loving oneself above all others — has many facets but is not new. Sigmund Freud wrote about it in 1914. As Freud and others have pointed out, there are healthy and unhealthy narcissistic traits. One healthy one that’s easy to recognize in Woods is his feeling of greatness. His relentlessly positive expectations of self have been vital to his remarkable sporting success. He simply does not have room in his head for feelings of inadequacy.
Other common narcissistic threads are not as positive. The ego propels self-centered views that the narcissist is better than others, and those views of self are alarmingly inflated. Unique and special, narcissists are oriented toward success and selfish in its pursuit. All of these, it seems, are easy to identify in the sporting genius that is Tiger Woods. Also disconcerting is another common narcissistic trait: the lack of interest to develop warm and caring interpersonal relationships.
When Arnold Palmer played, he was loved and befriended by all the guys in the locker room. Tiger rarely even donates charity items for fellow tour pros’ foundations. He is cold and aloof to all but a few. This is his loss, as time will surely teach.
A final telling trait — the inability to absorb negative feedback — is also a mirror to Woods’ soul. His reaction to anyone who said or wrote anything negative about him? Ostracism. He was, and remains, a zealously determined control freak.
Aside from a superiority complex and entitlement lifestyle, Tiger paid the price for another malady very common among the privileged: bad boundaries. Narcissist often don’t realize they have boundaries; they see others as existing primarily to serve their needs. Woods has an inner circle of lapdogs. The women were the second circle beyond the first.
It’s debatable whether Tiger’s narcissism was shaped by his father Earl, or whether it’s “acquired narcissism,” which evolves in adulthood because of catalytic triggers like money, fame, power, and celebrity. Fans, fawning assistants and associates, tabloid media — all of us — help contribute to a social distortion that the person truly is more important than others. This false world of worship incubates the narcissistic ego. Acquired narcissism leaves three big clues: erratic behavior, substance abuse, and unstable relationships. In Tiger’s case: check, check , check.
There are about a dozen types of narcissism. Sexual is one. Low self-esteem in an ingredient, as is becoming preoccupied with a self-belief as a great lover who attains conquests with mirror images. It’s not hard to look at Tiger’s roster of extracurricular situational friends and build the profile he was seeking. It’s also disconcerting that many times these conquests are due to the narcissist’s inability to experience true intimacy at home.
The low self-image trait should not be a surprise. Self-image is what think of ourselves. Tiger knew he was a media phenomenon. That huge gap between a normal person who could swing a golf club and the internet generation superhero who could do no wrong as it rained millions around him created a chasm so wide and deep that any one us likely would have fallen in, too.
Tiger is not our first fallen narcissistic hero. As a society we tend to like and celebrate them. They are different and different is interesting. Peter Pan was a narcissist. Hugh Laurie’s character on TV, Dr. Gregory House, is one. Norma Desmond in Sunset Boulevard is one. Two years ago the Best Actor Oscar went to Daniel Day-Lewis for his riveting portrayal of a narcissistic oilman in the tense drama There Will Be Blood. Even pro wrestling gave us one, muscleman Lex Luger, who wrestled as The Narcissist for the World Wrestling Federation seventeen years ago.
Sexual Addiction
Sexual addiction, which seems to be an increasingly popular instant diagnosis among outed celebrity philanderers, is a normal urge that becomes obsessive. Because of this, it’s a “process” addiction rather than a chemical one. The pursuit and capture of sexually released endorphins becomes the drug; it is a self-created chemical, not an outside agent like booze or drugs. Its pursuit becomes the obsession.
For Woods, the process produced a rush that replicates that of tournament golf. The majority of true sex addicts follow a road rife with excesses many find unpleasant to think of: pornography, masturbation, serial affairs, prostitutes, and voyeurism.This is an escalating path; the relentless, unending need for more pushes the pursuit of pleasure into advanced stages of hard-core fantasy and reality.
Together these clandestine pursuits become part of the addict’s urgent, necessary vortex. Nearly always these pursuits are cloaked in privacy. Worse, this relentless carnal activity stokes the male sex drive while a wife’s may be lessening due to the birth of children, a disinclination also fueled by the need to mother her offspring. Since closeness in a marriage requires three things — physical, emotional, and spiritual togetherness — once one diminishes the other two do too.
What’s doubly sad is that sexual conquests for an addict rarely have any emotional meaning. My guess is Rachel Uchitel got $10 million because hers truly did. The girl that got a chicken sandwich at Subway meant far less. At best she was a local convenience.
Sexual addiction is very much a selfish problem and because it’s selfish it injures relationships. In my opinion, Tiger’s marriage is mortally wounded; regardless how strong or troubled their marriage was, Elin Woods does not deserve the humiliation produced by a Mt. Everest of collateral damage. Time and measured decision-making will tell what she thinks is best. If she stays, I hope it’s on her terms under a happy roof with a kind, reformed man. If she goes, I hope she leaves with two things, her dignity intact and a pile of money too big to spend. And then I hope she finds a man who loves her with all his heart.
Treatment for sexual addiction is designed to implode addictive behavior. This is a very tall order for any man, regardless how he earns his living. It’s good to be king. But what happens when the king goes home and the queen runs the show? It’s a difficult psychological adjustment for a control freak to be thrust into familial role reversal, where he does not control family dynamics.
A smorgasbord of support options exist to help sex addicts, ranging from private counseling to education, family counseling, support groups, and even a 12-step process such as Sex Addicts Anonymous. Doctors sometimes prescribe Prozac and Anafranil to help curb the addictive craving.
I wish Tiger well. Life seems to get better when we keep fixing things we can (and should), and when we learn and apply what we learn from those experiences. But life seems to get worse when we leave courageous change for tomorrow or the next day.
Tiger has finally learned what longtime heavyweight boxing champ Joe Louis said nearly 70 years ago of challenger Billy Conn in advance of their June 18, 1941 title bout: “He can run but he can’t hide.”
Joe Louis was heavyweight champion of the world for 12 straight years, from 1937-1949. His title was undisputed and he defended it 25 consecutive times. Joe Louis was the greatest athlete in the world for more than a decade at his chosen sport. Joe’s life did not end up happily ever after. It ended sadly, much to the dismay of millions.
Far more than green jackets and tarnished silver, this is Woods’ greatest challenge: the pursuit of the happily ever after. It’s going to take a lot of hard work and emotional reconditioning to get there. I hope he makes it.