Ocean Palmer

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Common Traits of Unlikeable People

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part 2 of 2
(part 1 dealt with “Likeable Traits”)

Shared below is a robust list of “unlikeable traits” largely created by one of my recent business classes. As you read these, remember that these words describe perceptions. The learning point is vital: While we tend to judge ourselves by our intentions . . . others judge us by our actions. It is their observations and conclusions that shape their perceptions. If their perceptions are negative, it’s safe to assume that conclusion was drawn by a collection of negative data points.

Since none of us is perfect — everyone messes up from time to time — this quick exercise helps identify the negative perceptions we create most frequently. Once we know what they are, minimizing their occurrence gets easier.

In no particular order, here is the class list of 35 unlikeable traits. As you read through them all, check those that seem somewhat familiar.

Arrogant/cocky. Confidence is good, arrogance is bad. Let others decide how good you are. They are quite capable of drawing their own conclusions.

Carries a grudge. It’s tough to sustain a relationship with a grudge carrier. Grudges also bear a negative emotional weight. Discuss things that matter — put them on the table — and then let go. Life is far too short to carry a grudge.

Dominating. Reserved people are rarely comfortable around dominating personalities and typically disengage. Dial it back.

Rude. Manners matter. Rudeness is a judged conclusion based upon witnessed and actions judged to be disapproving. Be polite. Polite is free. Behave to make your parents proud.

Fake. Worry less about the image you want to project and more about who you really are. Sincerity is good. Masks are not.

Suck-up. A “suck-up” is someone who cozies up to someone in a position of influence in order to gain preferential treatment.

Condescending. Don’t look or talk down to others. If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of belittling behavior, you know how unlikeable this action is. Often this results from someone’s insecurity or frustration. Don’t lash out at others. When you do, your stock drops.

Annoying. Aesop wrote, “Familiarity breeds contempt.” Mark Twain took the point one step further. “Familiarity,” he said, “breeds contempt . . . and children.” People who bug us come in two forms, strangers and friends. The reason they bug us is that the lens we are looking through is the wrong one. For example, I have friends who simply cannot not talk. They utter more words in one hour than I do in a month. If I dwelt on that, it would bug me. Instead, I shrug it off — preferring to admire their hearts of gold. In an emergency they would be there no matter what, when, or where. The secret here is to not insistently look for things that annoy you. Look for things that do not. What we look for is up to us.

A poor listener (who can’t or won’t listen). Everyone hears but few listen. Listening is a skill — a vital life skill — and yet it is never taught in school. Great listeners are not accidentally effective. They are skilled. They see non-verbal cues, measure voice and tone, and retain the words the speaker chooses to use. And as they listen, they listen for two things: the message and its emotional resonance. If we do not listen with a respectful purpose, we will often be perceived less positively than (and by) those who do. And remember: No one can listen if he or she doesn’t block out distractions, zip it up, and dial in. Listening takes effort!

Backstabber/untrustworthy. Trust is a conscious, earned decision. Once violated, it is tough to restore. Try not to screw up.

Sloppy. Attentive care to self helps project a good image. Being a slob indicates you don’t care about yourself — much less others.

Mean. If you find yourself too mean too often, the reason is inside you. Meanness is a sign of a hollow weakness. Head and heart must be aligned. Clear your mind of excess noise and work hard to feel good about who you are. Look inside, find frustration’s root cause, and fix it. The quickest way to find the root cause is to ask yourself “Why?” five times. “Why are you mean?” When you answer that question, ask the “Why?” of the answer. Then repeat and keep going. The fifth degree of Why is your root cause. It’s a quick soul-baring exercise that blows away the camouflage and gets to the truth. Trust it.

Self-absorbed. This fix is easy: Worry less about ourselves and more about others.

Negative. My late pal George Simmons — who died on 9/11 when his plane was skyjacked into the Pentagon — lived by a motto I’ve never forgotten: “No stinkin’ thinkin’.” Attitude is a choice. Having wandered through stages of life as an angry young man and a very positive person, I can tell you for sure that being positive is the only way to fly.

Stinky/unkempt. Demonstrate personal pride. Showers don’t hurt and deodorant isn’t expensive.

Gossiper. If you say things behind someone’s back that you would not say to his or her face, you shouldn’t be saying it at all. A most unseemly trait.

Socially disengaged. People are gregarious herd animals. Be one.

Inarticulate. Read more. If you have dyslexia or a barrier to reading, listen to books on tape. Build your vocabulary. Learn to use the language properly — and prove it. Avoid slang, jargon, curse words, etc. Expand your vocabulary.

Self-centered and self-referenced. Care more about others and they will care more about you.

Braggart. Similar to cocky. Leave your achievements for others to measure.

A one-upper. A siren-blaring symptom of the insecure, one-upsmanship cries out a personal craving to be judged as better than someone else. This is an insecurity flaw. Once we are comfortable with who we are, the need to do this disappears.

Grumpy. We have no reason to be grumps. Billions of people in far worse shape could not care less about your car repair bill. Grow up, lighten up, and brighten up.

A random liar. You can watch a thief but never a liar. Never be branded a forked-tongue snake. If you’ve done a lot of this in the past — stop.

Tattletale. Unnecessary snitching, usually for personal gain, is a very low place to go.

Greedy. Enough is enough. Too much is too much — plus it comes with diminishing returns. The price you have to pay is never worth the cost.

Judgmental. True power comes from understanding more and judging less. If you tend to quickly judge others, pull back and refocus on understanding why someone is the way he or she is; or why they did what they did.

Vindictive. Spite is ugly. Avoid the temptation. Stay on the high road.

A taker. In life, we can give or we an take. Givers are liked. Takers are belittled.

Untrustworthy. As mentioned before, trust is given. Therefore, don’t blow it up. If you mess up, own it, deal with it, and fix things the best you can. As my high school track coach liked to say, “If you ever get caught with your pants down, pull ’em up before you start running.” Funny what sticks with you when you’re 17, isn’t it?

Agenda-driven. People can help us achieve goals. No one needs to be run over in our haste to succeed.

Cannot or will not change. Flexible is good. Inflexible is bad — a very “old school” trait. Technology has changed global communications, cultures, and behaviors. If change is hard, read up on how to better embrace it. The process is rather easy.

Racist. Everybody’s racist. In what ways and to what degree are the differentiators. Be positive in the lives of those unlike you. This achieves two things: You will feel better, and you will be part of the global movement trying to change mistrust into trust.

Unmotivated. If you don’t have a purpose — find one. Motivation comes from within. Find something you are passionate about — anything — and chase it.

Vulgar. One person’s art is another one’s vulgarity. Our upbringing and experiences shape our tolerance levels. Shock value is pretty low on the totem pole of things most folks admire.

Foul-mouthed. Profanity is the language of youth and the uneducated. The dictionary has 455,000 words. Use other ones.

Now, go back and count your checkmarks. These are the behaviors that belong on your list of instant reminders. Whenever you recognize yourself slipping back into one of these negative behaviors, catch yourself and stop.

If you read and scored Part 1 of this 2-parter — Likeable Traits — you may want to finish this lesson by subtracting your number of Unlikeable checkmarks from your total number of Likeable traits.

This remainder indicates your “net” score. Whatever it is, commit to raising the number.

Increasing your score improves your likeability. This is good. The universe embraces its positive influences.

 

 

Comments

    • AJ,
      Thank you for your comment. I like just about everybody. The bigger question to ponder here is, “How could you possibly say that?”
      People are inherently good and well intentioned. There is a gap, however, between how we judge ourselves (by our intentions) versus how others judge us (by our actions).
      Technology has negatively impacted behaviors in several ways (shorter attention spans, now 6 seconds — less than a goldfish), rudeness, self-centeredness, social isolation, etc. Too many are oblivious to this.
      When I asked the opening question of you, please remember that we find in life what we look for. Look for the good, see the good. Look for the bad, see the bad. Your statement tells me you are navigating life most likely looking for what’s wrong in people rather than what’s right.
      The point of the column was to create self-awareness in others. Not to attack anyone.
      I am lucky to have great friends all over the world. None of us is perfect and we share that commonality. But we all strive to be a positive force on the universe.
      I was in Singapore in August. Always wonderful to come back. Magic little city/state. You are fortunate to be there.

      Thanks for the note.
      Continued best regards,
      Ocean Palmer

      Reply

  2. It’s easy to sit behind a keyboard and tell people how to live their lives. It’s easy to pinpoint the negative traits of people and tell them to “suck it up and change” like you did here. You’ve got a good list, but here’s a thought: why not try giving practical advice rather than just shooting people down? Why not be helpful instead of hypocritical?

    Reply

    • Ben,
      Thank you for your note. Several things:
      1. The column is about traits of unlikeable people. If some hit home, work on those. I am not “just shooting people down;” I am identifying behavioral characteristics that most perceive as negative.
      2. Behaviors are choices we make, drawn from emotional conclusions strong enough to act upon. Changing is not difficult. Changing involves the decision to do so and personal awareness to execute different behaviors. If you are a regular reader of my work you know that I have posted 100+ columns about happiness, positive emotional management, etc. If you are a web troll it is easy to pull one column out of context and twist its content away from what it is to a totally different topic and complain about that. Take the time to click my “books” tab and see the body of work I have created to help others that you so summarily dismiss. You insult me. And by the way…..I don’t just “sit behind a keyboard.” I have traveled two million miles around six continents teach people positive life skills. You would know this if you took the time to learn before you prattle on.
      3. Concerning your last question: I think you mean “hyper-critical.” Nothing about my work is hypocritical. Check your thesaurus.

      To learn more about how to align your head and heart and clear a crowded mind — which you seem to have — consider purchasing my new book “Portable Dad” (Stuff to know without the lecture). You can see the synopsis on the OceanPalmer.com book tab. It is due to be released hopefully by Friday on Amazon and then worldwide via all print and ebook distribution channels a week later.

      Thanks again for taking the time to write. Know who you are shooting at before you pull the trigger. Write back again after you’ve read “Portable Dad” and tell me if perhaps you’ve misfired.

      Best regards,
      Ocean Palmer

      Reply

    • He was being helpful, and if anyone felt put down by this than they should learn to recognize that as an admission that they emulate the flaws he mentioned. All in all it was very enlightening tbh

      Reply

      • Thanks for the note. I thought Ben may have missed the mark a bit by ignoring the opening sentence of the piece — which explained the source of the comments.
        I am not into negative people or stinkin’ thinkin’, so I write pieces of insight and encouragement. If something resonates, chances are it’s an opportunity area — not a reason to shoot the messenger. Take care. ~ OP

        Reply

  3. I was searching for articles on people who are “strongly unlikeable” people, mainly because I have a family member (by marriage) who makes living life in close proximity to him nearly unbearable. I wasn’t surprised to find that he literally (yes, literally), has nearly every trait on this list. Reading it like that really made it hit home as to just why the man is intolerable. Now, if I could only figure out why his perfectly lovely, kind, gentle, caring, funny wife stays with him. (He did a good job at hiding many of his traits in the beginning, long enough to make it too late. Based on that, my guess is finances.)

    By the way, I’ve armchair diagnosed him as a Narcissist, lol. 😉

    Reply

    • Victoria,
      Thank you for taking the time to read that column and write. There are reasons in-laws are commonly called “outlaws.” We are bonded to them whether we like it or not.
      All of us are works in progress and the goal isn’t to be perfect as much as it is to be a positive force in the universe. Folks who are self-centered are often that way due to gaps in childhood life experiences, which morph into self-esteem and self-image issues.
      Unlikeable folks remain that way for one of two reasons, either they are not aware (blind spots) or do not care (self-absorption). Insecurities can create false bravado too. Perhaps the wife sees those insecurities and the value she receives from the relationship outweighs how gruff or brusque his behaviors might be. It certainly could be money, and it could also be a lack of confidence to walk away and launch a new life which involves both pain and courage.
      It is always easier to live someone else’s life than our own, so I could lastly add that sometimes the best way to improve an outlook on life or someone else is to look for the good, not the bad. We find in life what we look for: look for the good, see the good. Look for what’s wrong with a person or job, we see the wrong. It’s up to us to look for the right things — the good things — and not the bad.
      If the man you write about checks the boxes on a lot of these points — and from your note it seems he does — my final suggestion would be that he might want to read a copy of Portable Dad (Stuff to know without the lecture). The book came out Saturday. If you want to read it, get your local library to buy a copy and borrow it. While the column you read is about negative traits, P Dad is all about getting your head and heart aligned to remain happy and upbeat at all times.
      Never let a grump or selfish person ruin your day. Remain above the fray.

      Best regards and thanks again,

      Ocean Palmer

      Reply

  4. Hi Ocean,

    I read this article because maybe I’m trying to look for answers; whether it is to help better myself and/or to understand why people are the way they are. However, it seems like the more knowledge and understanding I obtain the more distance I find in with connecting with others. I feel alone in a sense. I’m having a hard time understanding why is it that the more I try to be better, genuine, open, truthful to others is the more distance I feel from them? This is especially most apparent when I’m trying to find a suitable partner (female). When I was younger, this never seemed to be the case but I felt unreal. I guess I’m confused 🙂 This doesn’t make sense to me. Why are more people attracted to “Unlikeable Traits” or is this just what I’m choosing to see b/c of my own experiences? Thanks for writing too!

    Reply

    • Hunter,
      Thank you for taking the time to read the article and write. A couple key learning points here to chew over:
      1. We judge ourselves by our intentions. Others judge us by our actions. This is a very important thing to learn and embrace, because it explains (in large part) your comment ‘the more I try to be better…the more distance I feel from them…’ Everything you’ve expressed there describes your intentions. But the partner search leaves you vulnerable to the woman’s translation of your Actions (not your intentions). This could stem from too much information, coming across aggressively, or with a canned speech (due to nerves), etc. None of these are criticisms at all: the courtship ritual is a tightrope between optimism and hope while we juggle emotion. The point is that potential partners don’t read your intentions. They read your actions. Which leads us to point #2:

      2. Once formed (in the first 7 seconds or less) first impressions are extraordinarily difficult to change. The reason why is that in future encounters, we or they seek reaffirming evidence — not contrary evidence.

      3. People are not more attracted to Unlikeable Traits. Never compromise your personal brand. Be the BEST you you can be and you will end up finding an extraordinary woman who is looking for that exact same type of man. I think you made a very astute comment on that perhaps being what you choose to see. We find in life what we look for: look for the good in others and see the good, but look for what’s wrong in a job or person and that’s all you’ll see. What you look for is your call. Having been on both sides of this one, trust me: Life gets a whole lot easier when you look for the good in others, not the bad.

      4. People are the way they are because of their upbringing, plus things after the onset of puberty called Significant Emotional Events. All of us are products of our 0-13 formative years. After that, life’s big emotional experiences reshape us. We are all constant works in progress — at least the ones who care and have personal pride are — and I often say “Even the strong are broken in places.” There are no perfect people, so it is unrealistic for us to hold others to that standard, and just as unrealistic for them to hold us to it also.

      In closing, please know you are NOT alone, Hunter…you are lonely. There is a big difference. You remind me of a wonderfully artistic female friend named Lisa. She’s you in reverse. You can’t force relationships, so the smart play is to be the best YOU you can possibly be, day after day, and trust the fact that although days may drag, time truly flies and one day when you least expect you are going to meet a woman who changes your life.

      If any of this seems to make sense, have your local library buy a copy of my newest book PORTABLE DAD (Stuff to know without the lecture). It’s not expensive but I don’t want your money, I want you happy and positive. Get the library to get it and then go check it out and read it. Then write back and let me know if helped you get recalibrated so you are focused on the right things. Book just was released Saturday so it’s on Amazon in print and easy for them to order. Will be available everywhere in print and eBook in a few weeks but libraries have acquisition budgets and will probably be happy to buy it for you and add to their collection.

      There are a lot of hurt people out there and a lot of crowded heads. Protect yours like a castle with a drawbridge. P-Dad can teach you how rather quickly but you are already doing the most important part: You are thinking at the right level. Keep it up. You’ll win the game.

      Best regards…and thanks again for the note,

      Ocean

      Don’t compromise on your personal brand, Hunter. Do your best to be your best. It will always pay off.

      Reply

      • Ocean, thanks for your response. #1 seems to make a lot of sense and gives me clarity. I really appreciate you taking the time to writing back. I’ll take a look at your book. I feel it may/will help me on my journey. Thanks again!

        Hunter-

        Reply

  5. Dear Ocean,
    Over the last 4 months I have been looking for a job. I have had numerous interviews but no offers. I never had this problem in the past. Since the last time I looked for a job I have received a new Extended License which enables me to perform more valuable functions. I also hit the 20 year mark of experience. Both are plusses but have also increased my view of “self importance”. I already have a personality that doesn’t fit in well although I’m positive and mean well. I am grateful that I found your article. It has helped me to identify behavior I’m exhibiting that is probably rubbing people the wrong way. And yes, this is the result of low self esteem. Tomorrow I start off on a new foot. Hopefully in time I will find some peace (and a job).
    Thank you so much,
    Gwen

    Reply

    • Dear Gwen,
      Thank you for taking the time to write. We are all works in progress, so the key is trying hard each day in good faith to put our “best self” forward when meeting and interacting with others.
      Remember a couple key things as you continue your search, which I have no doubt will take you to a good place.
      Remember that we judge ourselves by our intentions….but others judge us by our actions. Consciously strive to make a good first impression (which I have written about in the past so you might be able to find that one to read too). Don’t put too much weight on your years of experience — a temptation, I know — but experience is only good for two things: leadership and performance. Translate that experience into those two things, explaining the “why” that experience matters moving forward.
      I also want you to get rid of that low esteem thing. You have no right to feel that way. You have much to offer — and don’t ever forget it. Every day we have the opportunity to be significant in the lives of others. When you do that, you have much to be proud of.
      The best you will be good enough…and will also enable you to be a great contributor when you find the right opportunity.

      Thanks again for your note. I wish you much success — which you will find — and am fully confident you will land in a good place that is lucky to have you.

      Best regards,
      Ocean

      Reply

  6. I just emailed this link to the one person I deal with that everybody hates. He’s the poster child for short man disease. Hope he grows up, discovers God and changes his ways before he dies. I dislike him less than I pity him.

    Reply

    • Well, thanks for passing it along. But remember something: We find in life what you look for. When you look for the bad, that’s all you see. If you look for what’s good, that’s what you’ll see. It’s up to you to decide which lens you will examine a person, place, or thing.
      We are all works in process, and sometimes style clashes cause forced or awkward relationships. Whenever a relationship causes you this much stress, you might want to consider flipping everything around and studying it from a different angle. Understand more and judge less. It’s the judging that poisons the well water.
      Thanks again for reading the piece.
      Best regards,
      Ocean Palmer

      Reply

  7. I love you article here and agree with it all. I’m a very positive person but I’m dating a very negative person. He is a wonderful man but has 25 of the unlikeable traits. Is it possible for me to help him turn his life around as he is very unhappy? I have this irresistible urge to help him become the man he wants to be. Is this a possibility?

    Reply

    • Judy,
      Thank you for taking the time to write. The answer to your question is “maybe.” Here’s why:
      We look at life based on two important factors, the first being our life experiences during our first 13 years of life when our core values and beliefs are formed due to surrounding influence factors. After that what changes us are “significant emotional events.” These are the things that cause us to assess and reassess the lives we are living.
      In your partner’s case, he could be the way he is due to his upbringing. Or he could be that way due to things that have occurred in the years since.
      Since we find in life what we look for, my guess is you look for the good in others while he looks for what’s wrong and judges people accordingly. Judging is bad; it never gains us anything but blocks our ability to do something much healthier, and that is to seek to understand. Understand more, judge less, and insight grows.
      Negative people (“stinkin’ thinkers”) often have issues rooted in their self esteem and/or self image. Self image is what we think of ourselves. Self esteem is how we feel about ourselves. A quick way to find this out is to ask him to write down on a piece of paper 5 things he believes to be true about himself. Once he has done that, ask him to make another list that describes 5 things that accurately describe how he feels about himself.
      The first list describes his self image. The second lays out where he is in regards to self-esteem.
      None of us can “change” anyone else, as change must come from within. I always urge people to do the necessary work to get the head and heart aligned. This is vital for a very important reason: Until you (or he) is happy with who you are, you’ll never be happy with what you have. Everything works from the inside out, so you have to get those two things in alignment.
      I also teach that all of us go through life juggling three heads. The first is how we Want To appear to others. The second head is how much someone cares about how They Are perceived by others. The third head is “Who you really are”. When we blow away the smoke surrounding the image we want to project, and how much or little we care what others think, at the core of the real you is the third head. Happiness must reside there.
      Not everyone is “fixable.” Some are, some are not. Even the strong are broken in places — remember that — but be cautioned that although many (younger) men grow out of the angry stage, some never will. You have to read what you have, measure his bias and desire to make positive change, and decide whether or not he will change his outlook on life.
      If you don’t do this, and he doesn’t change, it will sap the life out of you over time. Life is too short for that. If happiness, kindness, and being good to others is part of your personal brand, make sure your life is surrounded by like-minded people.
      I don’t know if this helps, but I wanted to take a few minutes to share some thoughts. Feel free to stay in touch. Am always around. If you happen, by chance, to live in the Boston area, I am speaking on this subject on September 29th at MIT. Free to attend if you are somewhere in range.
      Regardless, best of luck. Build the life you want to live and live it. The right things will happen.

      Best regards,
      Ocean Palmer

      Reply

  8. I find myself saying yes to all of these. I find it hard joining in to groups. Even within my own family. Its as if I push people away. I have heard many times throughout my life things about myself that I reject as attacks on me. Problem child from the beginning. Rebel. Getting into to trouble in school. With the law. etc., etc. I have never felt apart of anyone group. I find solace in being alone. I feel as if I just have black energy at times. To open up makes me feel so vulnerable. When I do. I am attacked and belittled. At least that is my perception. Every time I have ever tried to join up with a group and be happy like everyone else is; it never feels right. I then impose self exile. Being alone is safer for me. But the more introspection and outward feedback I get about myself the more I feel I am hopelessly doomed. The more I recollect my past and all the hurts and pains I have received from being excluded both in my family and in society the more I feel I should just kill myself. Even when I am with my entire family; I just feel an emptiness and start to blame others. I do not understand why I am the way I am. I feel a deep melancholy at times. Nature and Solitude brings light to my soul yet the more I am isolated the more it feels as if am looking out the window of the world passing me by. It is then that I turn to drugs to numb the pain. Usually marijuana. When I look into the future I only see more of the same as what has happened before. I want to cry as I type this because I do not understand why I cannot feel joyful and happy among groups of people. I wonder and ponder giving up. I do not know if it is because of the detox or withdrawal from the cannibanoids or if it is just the mask coming off and this who I really am as a person. Is this a cry for help? Because there is a pistol in the pawn shop I pawned for that very reason. I do find joy in the Ocean. Usually alone. My parents and family tell me I need to be on meds but at the same time I reject that as being another cop out of not being strong enough to address the problems and then take it as another attack rather than being helpful criticism. After today. I ponder the hopelessness of it all and honestly feel ending it would be better. I just don’t want anyone to deal with my decaying body here all alone. I do not know what to do. I also feel I am so misunderstood. What do I do? There was a time in my life that I was a jovial out going person but I just feel so completely and utter repressed. Is there hope? Is there an answer?

    Reply

    • Yes and yes. There is hope — more than that, actually — and there are answers. I sent you a note privately and am happy to discuss further via that method instead of the site. We can get you back to that jovial, positive place. You simply need a bit of steering to get back on that road. No worries — you WILL get there, and it might not take long.

      Reply

  9. If I’m to average the number of likable and unlikable traits on your lists that I think apply to me, I find myself to be roughly 65% unlikable, but I think that means of testing fails to adequately take into consideration how important a trait may be to others or how much an individual may exhibit a trait. I tend to favor that I am closer to 70% or 75% unlikable. Thanks for the list though. I find it comforting to know that I can be shown as nearly as irredeemably unlikable as I know myself to be.

    Reply

    • Vince,
      Remember that how we judge ourselves is different than how others do:
      o We judge ourselves by our intentions.
      o Others judge us by our actions.
      My guess is that you are not such an irascible chap, after all.
      Being nice is free and there are a lot of hurt people walking around out there. Be good to folks. Many need the boost.
      Thanks for the note,
      OP

      Reply

  10. Hey OP. What a useful article! I was reflecting on why people dismiss, ridicule, dislike, ignore, gossip, berate and belittle me – sometimes soon after first meeting me – sometimes men as well. I used to think it’s because I am described as attractive, bright and elegant. I also tend to do lots of humanitarian stuff voluntarily both at work and in the community. So I thought they are all jealous. This can be confusing so I did the Myers-Briggs personality test (INTJ) and concluded I am an introvert and was happy to be reclusive. However, your article describes actions that people dislike (some here have misconstrued you) and I hit most of them. Rather than think it is to what degree we do any of them, my doing majority of them is disconcerting. I especially think that I think I am too clever and people don’t like a smart-Arse. I will reflect on your list more and hope to see positive results.

    Reply

    • We all have our moments, so don’t get too hung up on identifying with items on the list unless they are chronic. Sarcasm is one you might want to consciously dial back as it is very hurtful to others, often invisibly so.
      There are a lot of hurt people walking around out there, and digital addiction and social withdrawal do not help. Hyper-critical folks often have self-eateem or self-image issues, so always remain grateful for all of the wonderful gifts you have (that others do not). When we keep those in front of us at all times we are far less likely to judge others or risk hurting the feelings of someone who is already hurting.
      Somewhere in my blog archive in front or behind this one is a piece of likeable traits. I’ll bet you have many of those too.
      We all are works in progress. Strive to be positive in the lives of others and give them feel-good emotional boosts. They will feel better and so will you.
      Best of luck. Thanks again for reading my work and taking the time to write.

      Best regards,
      OP

      Reply

  12. I don’t understand why people seem so angry about this! Everyone is a division of two people. We are all struggling between the way that we see ourselves and the way that others perceive us. I’d rather work on myself so that I can be successful in life and we’ll liked than go on pretending I’m not flawed! Thanks for posting!

    Reply

    • I’m with you, Nat. We are all works in progress and it is dispiriting sometimes to have some invisible cyber opinion fly over the transom from someone who is obviously angry at the world or who insists upon carrying it around.

      I have written many times about what I refer to as “three-headed juggling.” The three heads are the image we want to project, the feedback and reactions we get from others, and who (deep down) we really are–regardless of that desired image or perceptions of others.

      We judge ourselves by our intentions, while others judge us by our actions. Finding, owning, and trusting that third head–who we really are–is that awareness and self-investment you mentioned in your note. That’s where your true power will come from, so it’s great to see you already on top of it. Congrats!

      Thanks again for your note and for reading my work.

      Best regards,
      Ocean Palmer
      Thanks for reading and for taking the time to write. Much appreciated.

      Reply

  13. Wow. Someone finally willing to recognize we’re all racist to one degree or another. IMHO, racism is everywhere, and as natural (not good, just natural. There’s a difference) as rain. You just have to be smart enough to come in out of the rain.

    Reply

    • Well put, Roger: We all ‘have to be smart enough to come in out of the rain.’
      We are all products of our upbringing, and the lens through which we look at life will have a prescription based on race, religion, family values, etc. Imprinting, so to speak.
      Thanks for reading and leaving your note. You cut right to the heart of it.
      Regards,
      OP

      Reply

  14. A nice list which I mostly agree with, however telling people to “grow up” and then mentioning judgemental a bit further down makes you look inconsistent and hypocritical.

    As for “Everybody’s racist”; I don’t believe that’s a true statement at all. There are those out there who really couldn’t care less what race others are and see them as people, not colors. Unless you’re meaning to say that we stereotype based solely on appearance (even unconsciously), you’ll get no disagreement from me there, but it’s perfectly possible to do that without being a racist. We do it within our own race.

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  15. How does one reconcile trying to be a better person by focusing upon and improving their flawed behaviour(s), against the risk of becoming too self-critical and anxious, or even depressed?

    Speaking for myself, whenever I’ve focused on lists of (my) flaws it’s been because I’ve been sort of depressed, and trying to modify my personality all the time just leads to a lot of crying in the toilet. I don’t want to just give up on being a better person though…

    Reply

    • Jenna,
      Happy Thanksgiving and thanks for writing. I keep a printed quote that I found somewhere on my writing station so I see it from time to time. You might want to do the same, simply as a reminder that no one is perfect, we are all works in progress, and never to be too hard on yourself. It reads, “Even the strong are broken in places.”
      I taped that in plain view to remind me that we all have ups and downs on the rollercoaster, and that being perfect is silly. No one is. Success comes from being better, not perfect. Better is plenty good enough.
      Also remember that we all juggle three heads as we go through life: How we want to appear to others; How we do appear to others; and Who We Really Are. Your strength comes from the third one. Focus there. Be the person you aspire to be. When your head and heart align with that woman, you will be winning the game. It is nice to project a clearly understood desired persona, but the fact is that none of us can control what anyone else thinks of him or her, so it’s rather pointless to burn energy or stress worrying about that. Invest in yourself — the real you — and view self improvement as a proud and worthwhile pursuit, not some character flaw.
      Remember: Be better, not perfect. Strengthen areas of life or relationships that matter to you. To do that, seek to understand more and judge less. Judging gets us nothing but can produce negative energy and weight that’s really a waste of time. Power comes from understanding.
      Don’t be hard on yourself. Be proud of your willingness to work toward being the best (real) you you can be. There is a beauty in that, a self-satisfying feeling that hopefully makes you proud that you consciously try to keep your head and heart aligned. When those two are lined up, and you know who you are (and are not), life gets a lot easier and some of the emotional ups and downs we get from being too self-critical go away.

      Believe in yourself. That’s the secret.

      Best regards,
      Ocean Palmer

      Reply

        • Thanks for reading my work and taking the time to write. i am fond of saying (also) that just because someone has access to your mind does not mean that he, she, or it has the right to be there.
          The mind is a castle, protected by a moat. The drawbridge goes down, we sweep out the stinkin’ thinkin’, and raise it back up. We lower it by conscious decision, if and when we are ready.
          Since we find in life what we look for — the good or the bad — life gets easier when we select the good. This holds true when reflecting upon ourselves or anything else.
          Thanks again. Best for the holidays,
          Ocean P

          Reply

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