We worry about three kinds of things: worries we can control, those we cannot, and situations we can only influence. Since all we can control in life are our own behaviors, controllable worries are often very good. When something bugs us enough, these worries inspire positive change. We take action. For example, if we gain too much weight, we can exercise or change our diet. We shed the unwanted pounds and feel better.
Uncontrollable worries are the opposite. They are toxic. The mind dominoes these things into the worst possible extreme that almost never happens. For example, many good people are temporarily out of work. In a slack economy they see only doom. No one’s hiring. They’ll never get another job and will be wiped out financially. Without medical insurance they’ll get sick, be hospitalized, forced into bankruptcy, and their spouse will leave. Unable to pay child support they’ll be tossed in jail forever. This, of course, is silly. All of us were looking for every job we ever got. The same holds true today.
The cumulative effort of spiraling, uncontrollable worries is debilitating emotionally and physically. These worries should be banished from the mind. Worry is a choice. What you choose to worry about (or not worry about) is up to you. Uncontrollable worry detracts from happy living. Do yourself an instant favor: Never dwell on uncontrollable things.
The third kind of worry, influence worries, is a blend of controllable and uncontrollable factors. Parenting is the quintessential example. We raise our kids to make good choices. But once they walk out the door, what can we control? Nothing. Kids will do whatever their peers convince them they should.
I raised my daughter with two priorities, to be good to people and do her best in school. I wanted her to be a child of the planet, a positive force in the universe. In school, A’s were nice but not necessary. Her best was good enough for me. I echoed this two-pronged mantra a thousand times.
When Gracie was in the second grade I was summoned on short notice to a teacher conference but didn’t know why. Once there, I had to sit in a little chair. According to the teacher, my petite flower was bullying another child—a direct conflict with Dad’s number one rule. I was crushed.
That afternoon I pondered my option: Punish the kid or reexamine my parental behaviors. I had coached her to be good to others but had I role-modeled those actions the best I could? No, I decided. I could and must do better. I took ownership of that and became a better parent. No more little chairs.
When it comes to influence issues, identify the portion you can control and take ownership of it. Jettison the rest. When you’ve done your best, trust your child to make better decisions.
At some point, we’ve all taken a seat in the little chair. It’s what we learn while sitting there that makes us better people. Managing the Worry Circle helps avoid a repeat visit.
Next: What the world teaches us about worrying.