The reason why some office relationships come easy and others grate like sandpaper is very easy to explain. Because of this, there is no excuse to let negative relationships perpetuate in your life or office. Virtually all are improvable — if you choose to improve them.
To turn this “I like her but do not like him” office dynamic into an area of strength, here is what you need to know:
- How the prescription of your lens — your way of looking at the world — differs from the prescriptions of others.
- Disciplining yourself to look for the good in others instead of looking for “what’s wrong.” And,
- Knowing how your work style — how you operate as you execute your daily work routine –determines how smoothly or awkwardly you will interact with those who are similar and different.
1. Your lens. Our lives have a million points of differentiation and different is good, not bad. One life’s set of experiences is never more “right” than another. Values and beliefs are shaped during our formative years, and then modified based on “significant emotional events” that rock our emotional world. Everyone has had different influence factors. Sometimes when someone “doesn’t get it” — he or she gets it fine. They simply see things differently.
2. You’ll find what you look for. If you walk into the office each day determined to like everyone in the room because you know that everyone faces his or her own battles, struggles, demons, dreams, and dark pockets of unhappiness — guess what? You will see the good in those people because that’s what you’ve chosen to do.
But if you walk into that same room with positive biases toward some and negative ones for others, guess what? You’ll see what’s good in those you chose to and wrong with all the rest. The reason is validation. You will validate what you’re looking for.
Validation is a seductive mistress. The bigger lesson is that you will find in life, and others, what you choose to look for. This is key not only to interactions with others but also in increasing you multi-generational effectiveness.
3. Understanding your work style. Workplace bonds and friction are hugely influenced by styles, specifically in four areas:
- How you go about getting your way. Are you very direct, blunt and straight to the point? If so, you’ll struggle dealing with people who are very indirect. Neither way is “right,” because every point on the spectrum is right. If you are very direct, learn to flex your style to the interpersonal preferences of others. Since most you meet will be less direct, practice dialing back the strong impact of immediate dialogue.
Two people who are the same — very direct — can collide like meteors when they differ on an opinion. For example, the talking heads on political TV channels argue this way. Tact was abandoned in the ’60s when TV became a political medium and TV is now sound bites, so similar styles with opposite views go at it hammer and tong.
- How you respond to people. Are you very outgoing, or quiet and reserved? Each can make the other uncomfortable. Outgoing people talk easily, love an audience, and are uncomfortable if muzzled around a group. Reserved individuals do not need a spotlight. For them a microphone is a mortal enemy. When dealing with someone unlike you, flex more to his or her style.
- The pace at which you perform your work. Is the world on fire? Is everything an emergency? Do you work with great urgency? Or are you very steady and methodical? Pacing is a huge source of conflict at work because the velocity with which people work can dramatically differ. Urgents often trade zeal for bending rules or making errors of omission or accuracy. Those who follow a process often do not. A well known adage in life and business says, “An emergency to you does not make it one to me.” This point — pacing — is precisely why.
- How you deal with details. Are you unstructured or are you very precise? I am very high concept and dreadful with details. Many of my pals are accountants who live in a world of binary precision. For ideas and conceptual work, I probably have an advantage. Detail, justification, and proof-based validation? They trump me easily.
Embrace these key learning points about office relationships and you can almost immediately become more effective. With practice, you can get really good.
Practice reading people to quickly gauge where he or she lies on the spectrum the four work style elements. While some of us have extreme traits — I am direct, outgoing, work with urgency, and very high concept — many are between each trait’s opposite extremes. There, around the midpoint, it is easier to flex to both extremes.
Problems come when we have extreme traits and biases, and refuse to flex to the styles and beliefs of others. At that point we dig in to defend and justify disagreement.
This is a fool’s path to follow. Be smarter than that. Learn to turn workplace effectiveness into a personal strength. It will serve you well throughout your life and career.