Perceptions, part 2 of 3: How Perceptions Are (or Are Not) Affirmed

Perceptions start with first impressions, which are based upon brain-driven calculations and conclusions drawn from instinct, experience, and expectations. Formed almost immediately, these are quick, snap decisions. Once set, they do not change until given reason to change.

For example, many first-daters decide within the ten minutes whether they will date the person again. Nearly all form a decision within thirty minutes. The reason why is that once a conclusion is drawn, what we seek is reaffirmation — not counter evidence.

Having processed what we see, hear, and experience against expectations created by our environment and upbringing, once formed the brain’s natural tendency is to seek and select supportive data.We have core beliefs and expectations and map against them.

The lens through which we look at the world is shaped by our upbringing up through around the age of 13. After that, what reshapes us as we ricochet to and through adulthood are significant emotional events — those hard-hitting jolts, good and bad, that cause us to assess and reassess the way we live our lives.

During our formative years, each of us is the unique product of our environment and its good and bad influences. Later on, those significant emotional events cause recalibration. We reflect on how we look at the world and often change what we look for, which changes how we feel.

For example, in the wake of 9/11’s national trauma, a friend of mine decided to get divorced. The tragedy caused her to examine married life as she was living it. Instead of tolerating the status quo, she looked for contrary evidence. She wasn’t happy, reaffirmed that contrary evidence, and made a swift change. Thousands upon thousands of others did likewise. Divorces skyrocketed in the wake of what happened. While many significant emotional events are personal, this one rocked everybody.

Although we evolve as life happens as, like John Lennon said, “We’re making other plans,” the lenses of our upbringing continue to have a backbone of influence on our map of the world. How we see things, what we judge as good and bad, what we believe, and what we expect all continue to project forward. Together they create our expectations.

We find in life what we look for, so if we look for the good, we see the good. When we look for the bad or what’s wrong, we see the bad and flaws. This holds true at home, at work, in society, in what we experience, and what we observe.

If we do never change what we’re looking for, our expectations and perceptions do not change. But perceptions can and will change if let them. In order to let them, we must consciously do so.

One of the biggest challenges people face is dealing with the immense gap between our intentions and how others judge us.

This is an enormous behavioral issue, a really important one to coach others to navigate, because this gap is what forms the perceptions of others: We judge ourselves by our intentions. Others judge us by our actions.

This is vital because so much of perception deals with expectations. When behaviors, regardless of intent, are judged by others, we cannot control what he or she thinks. This is doubly frustrating when our intentions were pure. It’s extraordinarily difficult impossible when intentions are not.

It is interesting to me to watch football star Michael Vick work hard at changing the nation’s collective perception of him by doing a relentless, positive community activity. He speaks to kids about his mistakes and aggressively campaigns now against dog-fighting. If ever a man were vilified over cruelty to animal, Vick is our nation’s poster child.

Since being released from jail, Mike has walked the straight and narrow and tried in good conscience with sustained effort to change public opinion. It’s a tall challenge but there is no question he’s trying.

Forming a perception is easy, changing one is hard. When you run across someone who’s really trying, give him or her the benefit of the doubt and offer support. Change what you are looking for.

If the roles were reversed, we all would appreciate compassionate consideration.