As America sleeps, a battle royale continues. In one corner, Nick Guroff, a self-appointed spokesman from Chicago who shills for a group called “Corporate Accountability International;” in the other corner, a facepainted clown named Ronald McDonald.
Guroff’s prganization prides itself on “protecting people and saving lives” by “waging and winning campaigns challenging corporate abuses.” The group is short on resources but says, “We have millions of people on our side,” including 7,000 Facebook fans. Guroff had about 400 friends before recently pulling his profile.
Ronald McDonald has 4,000 Facebook fans, quite impressive for a fictitious character who cannot write back. Friends and supporters include Mayor McCheese, the Hamburglar, Grimace, Birdie the Early Bird, and The Fry Kids.
In addition to fantasizing about taking out Mr. McDonald, Guroff campaigns for safe cosmetics and doesn’t like bottled water. Personal likes include Gyrobike, the producer of a stabilizer that makes a bicycle easier to ride, and Jorj Morgan cookbooks. Morgan’s credentials include owning her own catering company and cooking for family and friends. Guroff listens to WNUR, a 7200-watt radio station in Evanston, Illinois.
Mr. McDonald is a global powerhouse, for fifty years the mascot of McDonald’s. His job title is “Chief Happiness Officer.” In TV commercials he inhabits a fantasy world called McDonaldl, although more recently Mr. McDonald is seen interacting with normal kids in their everyday lives. The kids don’t care, although insecure activists believe the portrait of Mr. McDonald somewhat resembles another former Chicagoan, troubled clown advocate John Wayne Gacy.
Nick Guroff’s rabble-rousing is also a backhanded slap at Willard Scott, the original Ronald McDonald. Willard was a local radio personality who played Bozo the Clown on WRC-TV in Washington, D.C. from 1959 until 1962 and three times performed on TV a year later as “Ronald McDonald, the Hamburger-Happy Clown.” These were the first three television ads featuring Mr. McDonald; he wore a drink tray on his head.
Scott went on to become NBC-TV’s Today Show weatherman and claims to have created Ronald McDonald.
“At the time,” he said, “Bozo was the hottest children’s show on the air. There was something about the combination of hamburgers and Bozo that was irresistible to kids. When Bozo went off the air , the local McDonald’s people asked me to come up with a new character to take Bozo’s place. So, I sat down and created Ronald McDonald.”
Nick Guroff is, therefore, squaring off against a famous, formidable foe whose pedigree is deep Americana.
Flashing “The smile known around the world,” Ronald McDonald is second only to Santa Claus in terms of youth recognition. According to one survey, 96% of all school kids in the United States of America recognize Ronald. This is significantly higher than Nick Guroff.
Mr. McDonald even has “people,” an entourage with Boss Clown globally responsible for hiring, writing, creating shows, media handling, training, and major events. Mr. McDonald has been to the White House many times, especially when Clinton was in office. He has also participated in Macy’s parades, and his worldwide fame has steadily increased for nearly four decades.
When Mr. McDonald was trademarked, his company’s marketing team customized his look in deference to “The Code,” a time-honored clown tradition to scrupulously avoid copying other clowns’ appearances or performance styles. At any given time, there are dozens (and possibly hundreds) of actors retained by McDonald’s to appear as Ronald McDonald in restaurants and events. Nick Guroff is mad at all of them. But McDonald’s pays no heed; it trains performers to portray Mr. McDonald using identical mannerisms and costumes, to sustain the illusion they are one character. Guroff is apparently fooled and remains at a disadvantage since no one plays him but him.
Mr. McDonald has appeared as a comic book hero on newsstands, much less four separate times. And in case you’re wondering about video games, Mr. McDonald wins again, 1-0. Sega released a Ronald McDonald video game sixteen years ago in Japan. In it he destroyed publicity-seeking, heel-yapping pseudo-activists.
While Nick Guroff may think he has a social conscience, Mr. McDonald’s looms far larger. Nick Guroff does not visit sick kids in hospitals, nor foot the bill for their parents to house nearby. Mr. McDonald and many who work full-time dressed like him do.
Ronald McDonald House Charities has existed for 35 years; each night more than 6,000 rooms are available for families with seriously ill and injured children. RMHC is located in 52 countries and regions. There are now 271 Ronald McDonald Houses worldwide, including one with 31 bedrooms on Vatican property.
Even if it is true that McDonald’s helps make kids fatter, it’s also helped make many of them smarter. RMHC and its chapters have awarded $25.5 million in scholarships to help high school students achieve higher education.
Mr. McDonald has friends, too, celebrity types like Al Roker, who replaced Willard Scott in 1996 on The Today Show. And Olympic legend Carl Lewis. And Cindy Crawford, she of 600 magazine covers. Dayanara Torres, Miss Universe 1993 supports Mr. McDonald, as does NASCAR Sprint Cup driver Kasey Kahne, who blister up to the drive-through in his #9 Budweiser race car. Ne-Yo is a fan of Mr. McDonald, as are Evan Lysacek, gold medal winning Olympic skater, and Trey Wingo, the ESPN NFL reporter who’s still trying to figure out why the Broncos traded up to take Tim Tebow.
So, in one corner we have a guy who needs a bicycle stabilizer, pawing the ground and hissing at Ronald McDonald, who leans against the ropes, thumbs in his ears, tongue out and fingers waving nah-hah in the other.
Good luck, Nick Guroff. You might want to go pick on someone your own size, like Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell.
She bit a producer.