Dog Eats Man. In a story that makes us all feel extra special about the bond between man and dog, a Jack Russell terrier in Michigan saved his owner’s life by gnawing off the guy’s big toe. The toe was infected and about to become gangrenous; and dogs are known to sense substances like cancer cells. The pet owner was passed out and near-comatosely drunk at the time. The dog’s owner is grateful and loves his dog but now sleeps with his shoes on.
Important News for the Socially Aware: (1) The International University of Monaco announced a college degree program in luxury retail management. (2) Closer to home and even more importantly, the Milwaukee Teachers’ Education Association filed a lawsuit against the budget-strapped public school system because their proposed new health-insurance plan will not cover Viagra.
Headline from The Union newspaper in Grass Valley, a town of 11,000 in northeast California: “S.W.A.T. Team Requested for Violent Midgets.” The paper went on to point out that these were steroid-using, body-builder midgets—most notably the “lead female.”
Those lovable Aussies. Thanks to an expensive court challenge it is now legal in Townsville, Australia to tell a cop to “[f-word] off.”
So you think you can dance? In New Zealand, a Turkish-born kebab-server was arrested for beating up his wife in public. Since his arrest the man has compiled a mountain of evidence that the pair was not fighting; they were doing the Turkish native “kolbasti” dance. Done properly the dance looks like really bad trouble for the little lady.
From the I-hope-I-don’t-get-that department: A 36-year-old British woman suffers from dystonia, which causes odd, involuntary muscle cramps that can last for months. Currently she cannot lower her left leg. Compassionate neighbors now call her the Flamingo Lady.
Everybody bugs somebody. According to research findings of “monkey annoyance experts,” monkeys hate flying squirrels. Japanese macaques apparently hate them most. Researchers are excited because they think these findings could pave the way for advanced methods of enraging monkeys.
What’s in a number? A small Iowa city fired a veteran library worker because she wouldn’t disclose her poundage for the library’s brand-new ID cards. Although Iowa driver’s licenses don’t note a person’s weight, Urbandale requires it of all book inventory management staff.
Happy motoring! Multitasking while driving is something we all think we’re good at but none of us are. For example, an Illinois school bus driver ran her bus into a ditch and injured a little kid because she believed she could steer while vomiting out the door. And U.S. Rep. Dan Lungren of California found driving and talking too difficult. While giving a live, on-air radio interview, Lungren was pulled over for speeding—in the middle of the interview.
How about a big tug on the sympathy violin bow for Oklahoma City bomber-helper Terry Nichols? Nichols has started his third “official hunger strike” of the year while incarcerated inside the famed SuperMax prison in Canon City, Colorado. Nichols is mad about the lack of fiber in his diet. He blames it for causing chronic constipation and bleeding hemorrhoids.
Back again on the Ocean City, Md., boardwalk this summer: Wayne Short and his faithful “service animal”—his registered iguana Hillary. Hillary has an official service-animal card, although I’m not sure what service a motivated iguana provides. Then again, I’m not even sure I want to know.
Here’s a toughie: What’s the latest thing kids in Britain can’t have this summer because it’s too dangerous? If you answered “plastic wading pools” you are correct! Safety idiots say the pools could get in the way of emergency workers.
And lastly, a friendly reminder that no matter how bad things seem … someone’s always got it worse. In China a fellow jumped in the water only to have a very determined eel invade his naked bottom . . . and, also in China, scientists are studying a woman who has the unusual ability to sleep for six straight months and then stay awake for six straight months. In Colorado we call that “a black bear.”
Have a great week, people.