To buy some time while I continue working through a recently published list of the ten most unhappy jobs I offer today’s compilation of “news” from around the planet. A tip of the coffee mug to:
Dog Eats Man: In a story that makes us all feel extra special about the bond between a man and his dog, a Jack Russell terrier in Michigan saved his owner’s life by gnawing off the guy’s big toe. The toe was infected and about to become gangrenous; and dogs are known to sense substances like cancer cells. The pet owner was nearly comatose from booze at the time. The man is grateful. He loves his dog but now sleeps with his shoes on.
Important News for the Socially Aware: First, The International University of Monaco announced a college degree program in luxury retail management. And second, closer to home and even more importantly, the Milwaukee Teachers’ Education Association filed a lawsuit against the budget-challenged public school system because the health-insurance plan does not cover Viagra.
Headline from The Union newspaper in Grass Valley, California, a town of 11,000 in northeast California: “S.W.A.T. Team Requested for Violent Midgets.” The paper went on to point out that these were steroid-using, body-builder midgets—most notably the “lead female.”
Those lovable Aussies are back in the news. Thanks to an expensive court challenge in Townsville, Australia, it is now legal to tell a cop to “[f-word] off.”
So you think you can dance? In New Zealand, a Turkish-born kebab-server named Allaetin Can was arrested for beating up his wife in public. Since his arrest he has compiled a mountain of evidence that the pair was doing the Turkish native “kolbasti” dance. When done properly the dance looks like bad gymnastic trouble for the little lady. When done improperly, it looks like me at a wedding reception.
From the I-hope-I-don’t-get-that department: A 36-year-old British woman suffers from dystonia, which causes odd, involuntary muscle cramps that can last for months. Currently she cannot lower her left leg. Compassionate neighbors call her “the Flamingo Lady.” No word yet if she’s considering a move to Hialeah.
Everybody bugs somebody. According to research findings of “monkey annoyance experts,” monkeys hate flying squirrels; Japanese macaques hate them most. Researchers are excited because they think these findings could pave the way for advanced methods of enraging monkeys.
What’s in a number? A small Iowa city fired a veteran library worker because she wouldn’t disclose her poundage for the library’s brand-new ID cards. Although Iowa driver’s licenses don’t note a person’s weight, Urbandale requires it of all book inventory management staff. No wonder eBooks are popular.
Happy motoring! Multitasking while driving is something we all think we’re good at but none of us are. For example, an Illinois school bus driver ran her bus into a ditch and injured a little kid because she believed she could steer while vomiting out the door. In a related story, U.S. Rep. Dan Lungren of California found it too difficult to drive and talk. While giving a live, on-air radio interview, Lungren was pulled over for speeding—in the middle of the interview. I wonder if he blamed Obama.
How about a bow pull on the big violin for Oklahoma City bomber-helper Terry Nichols? Angry about the lack of fiber in his diet, Nichols started his third “official” hunger strike of the year while in the famed SuperMax prison in Canon City, Colorado, blaming his food for causing chronic constipation and bleeding hemorrhoids. Prison officials countered by sending Nichols a Happy Meal.
Back again on the Ocean City, Md., boardwalk is Wayne Short and his faithful “service animal”—his registered iguana Hillary. Hillary has an official service-animal card, although I’m not sure what service even an ultra-motivated iguana effectively provides.
Here’s a toughie: What’s the latest thing kids in Britain can’t have this summer because it’s too dangerous? If you answered “plastic wading pools” you are correct! Safety idiots say the pools might get in the way of emergency workers.
And lastly, a friendly reminder that no matter how bad things seem … someone’s always got it worse. In China a fellow jumped into the water only to have an eel invade his bottom . . . and also in China scientists are studying a woman who has the unusual ability to sleep for six straight months and then stay awake for six straight months. In Colorado we call that a “black bear.”
Have a great week, people.