As the new week dawns, here’s a sampling of who we’re competing against:
British tennis pro Robert Dee, feeling humiliated at being called the “world’s worst tennis pro” by London’s Daily Telegraph (and other news organizations) sued the newspaper for libel. After studying Dee’s pro record and taking testimony, the judge tossed out the lawsuit. Dee had lost 54 consecutive international tour matches—all in straight sets.
In January a 62-year-old Independence Township, Michigan man suffered second-degree burns after launching himself on a makeshift, rocket-powered sled. Witnesses said the fellow put on a helmet, strapped a contraption consisting of a motorcycle muffler, a pipe, gunpowder, gasoline, and match heads on his back, and had someone light the wick to send him blasting through the winter snow. His ride ended extra crispy.
A 42-year-old man in Cape Coral, Fla., was charged with forgery after he doctored the amount of a $10 check he had received from Bank of America and tried to cash it. Give the man credit: He thought big. The revised check was made out for $269,951.00.
Since money is a sturdy branch on the tree of all evil, in other money news a 17-year-old Texan was arrested for trying to pass a homemade $5 bill at a restaurant. Police said the bill’s front and back had been computer-scanned and pasted together. Even worse, the front of the bill was longer than the back.
Octomom, the California woman who shocked the world by having eight babies through in-vitro fertilization last year—says cat and dog owners should spay and neuter their pets. Nadya Suleman, who has 14 kids overall, has a PETA sign on her front lawn encouraging animals to practice planned parenthood. (Insert own punch line here.)
A 42-year-old New Jersey mother of two is diligently trying to summit the mountaintop of her world’s ultimate dream: She aspires to become the world’s heaviest living woman. Currently she weighs more than 600 pounds and hopes to reach 1,000. The woman admits being as hungry for attention as for calorie-rich food; she models on a website named supersizedbombshells.com, where admirers and the curious can pay to watch videos of her eating greasy foods or walking to the car. No word yet on whether or not anyone’s tried to pay with altered checks or homemade $5 bills.
Police arrested a 24-year-old Georgia man for driving his car after he had reported it stolen. The man had previously called police claiming someone had entered his hotel room when he was out and his car had been stolen. Officers watched for the 2001 Acura Integra on the road and spotted it—with the same fellow happily behind the wheel.
A New York police officer pleaded guilty to official misconduct for taking three pizzas as payment for covering up a woman’s traffic ticket. During his trial he was also forced to admit he had earlier faked his own shooting by hanging his bulletproof vest on a tree and shooting it. The confession was part of a plea deal in the pizza case, where he admitted arresting a driver for a suspended license and accepting the pizzas in exchange for dropping the ticket. The New Jersey big momma eagerly would have made the same trade.
Down on the bayou a Louisiana jail trustee was caught using his prosthetic leg to smuggle illegal goods into the jail. The 42-year-old jailer was arrested and charged with introduction of contraband into a penal institution and possession of a controlled dangerous substance. Inside his usually hollow leg were bags of loose tobacco, 10 cigarettes, a container of smokeless tobacco, and four Soma pills (a muscle relaxer). I’m surprised there wasn’t a BlackBerry in there, too.
Sad but true: A romantic 30-year-old Tennessee man convinced his girlfriend theirs was a scenic hike in the North Carolina mountains. When they reached the top he planned on pulling out a ring and proposing marriage. As they summited his chosen vista, dark clouds blew in and lightning struck three times, the third bolt hitting him and her. He suffered third degree burns but survived. His girlfriend was killed the instant he asked; she never had a chance to answer.
Remember: Stuff happens in life. Keep smiling and forge ahead. Like the old ballplayer Satchel Paige often advised, “Don’t look back. Somethin’ might be gainin’ on you.”
Have a great week.