Uma Thurman’s new film “Motherhood” is an epic flop at the U.K. box office: Only one Brit went to watch the movie on March 7, and the film grossed an embarrassing $132 for the entire weekend. Thurman plays a stressed mom struggling to balance parenting and career. The film grossed a microscopic $60,000 in the United States when it opened in 2009. It failed to carry that momentum overseas. It’s also worth noting that movie ticket prices in the UK are higher than America.
Erykah Badu publicly strips at JFK assassination site in new video. The singer/songwriter ripped off her clothes in front of complete strangers, baring all in her new “Window Seat” video, filmed at Dealey Plaza in Dallas — where President John F. Kennedy was assassinated in 1963. The controversial video ends shortly after Badu’s big reveal. A gunshot rings out and she collapses on to the sidewalk, bleeding blue as she lies dead. Police suspect she’s a Navi.
Reality star Heidi Montag is writing a fantasy film about her surgically enhanced breasts. With Heidi’s training and credentials, this film will surely challenge Uma’s at the box office. A bit player in a recent boutique film, “The Hills” star looks excitedly toward her filmmaking future: She’s written a beach comedy in which she plays “a lifeguard named Summer.” Montag’s controversial $748 million worth of plastic surgery is written into the script.
Pardon me, but I loved last year’s wonderful RomCom “500 Days of Summer” and make no mistake: Heidi Montag is no Zooey Deschanel. Montag should be swiss-cheesed with blue paintball machine guns for intimating such heresy.
But wait! There’s more! Montag tells People.com, “I am making the first 3-D beach comedy about a shark that attacks a small beach town and I save the day with my 3-D boobs.” Wait, there’s even more! Adds Montag, “I’ve even written a role for Dolly Parton to play the town mayor.”
After that, there can be no more.
From the category “Things I Did Not Need to Know:” It’s a simple recipe, said A-List New York City chef Daniel Angerer: a cheese derived from the breast milk of his wife, who is nursing the couple’s 3-month-old daughter. Lock this man up. Quickly.
Meanwhile, a thousand miles away, Florida’s Agriculture Department confiscated giant african snails believed to have been smuggled into the country by a Hialeah man for use in the religion Ifa Orisha, which encourages followers to drink the snails’ mucus for its supposed healing powers. Actually, said the department (joined by two federal agencies in the investigation, which advanced at a snail-like pace), bacteria in the mucus causes frequent violent vomiting plus other problems. On the plus side, it makes bad meat loaf taste better.
China’s cure for middle-aged excitement: A growing drug problem facing Shanghai is the increasing use of methamphetamine, cocaine, and other drugs at all-night parties. These aren’t “rave” parties favored by young U.S. hipsters; the Shanghai druggies are middle-aged and retired people, who use the drugs to give them strength for all-night games of mahjong played at out-of-the-way parlors around the city. Losers are strapped with duct-tape to a wooden chair and forced to watch Erykah Badu music videos.
Say What? Despite Fiji’s recent surprise propulsion into the 21st century, the island nation’s court system remains relatively primitive. Transcriptions of court proceedings are handwritten by ordinary reporters, who try to catch dialogue echanges by hand. They frequently call on judges, lawyers, and witnesses to slow down or repeat themselves. (supply own Snoop Dogg vs. Stephen Hawking punch line here.)
Sexting is bad for your health. Papua New Guinea retains many of its historical tribal conflicts, and one flared up quite recently: Two people were killed in skirmishes that were provoked when a member of one tribe sent a member of another a pornographic text message. Tiger Woods denies involvement, although reports indicate a 9-iron was used to knock out a kitchen window.
Don’t Tase Me, Bro
A 59-year-old Wisconsin man was arrested and charged with the repeated use of a stun gun on a local dance instructor for “defiling married women” by teaching them dances that involve bodies touching. Thank goodness he doesn’t coach wrestling. And never met Fred Astaire.
It Seemed A Good Idea at the Time
One in Louisiana, the other in Ohio, two men driving young female family members around decided to fake crimes while driving. One was arrested after the sight of his duct-taped 12-year-old daughter provoked three motorists to call 911. The other, detained by police after several 911 calls, thought it would be funny if his granddaughter held a BB gun to his head as he drove around Dayton Mall.
I had no idea parking was at such a premium at Dayton Mall, although I have read that many women enjoy spending time at the mall more than they do with relatives.
“I’ll get you, my pretty!”
Angry at being jailed in for public intoxication, a 31-year-old Kentucky woman faced additional charges of “assaulting a police officer” after allegedly pointed her lactating breast at a female officer and squirting her in the face.
Have a great week, everybody. I can’t make this stuff up…and in many ways, I’m glad I don’t have to!