Ocean Palmer’s Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

I am tall and trees are small but I still believe in you. I think you are real, more fervently than my unwavering belief that some day I will get a hole-in-one in golf. Two times I have flown one in from the tee but neither was scored an ace. One was for a three, the other a five. In both cases a hungry pond was mistakenly placed in front in front of the green.

LIfe’s greatest surprise is learning the sex of a newborn when he or she arrives. The second greatest is wondering what waits in quiet disguise beneath the tree. Grinches may argue otherwise but I am not among them. Receiving is fun — I will not lie — but giving is better, even if the recipient is unseen or half a world away.

Mimicking your job description is fun. Dealing out mysterious unknowns to family and strangers is uniquely heartwarming; it even outranks acting surprised to find costumed children after opening the door for the 44th time on Halloween. I have faced ghouls, goblins, and fairy princesses throughout my career, so dealing with make believe pint-sized versions of the same is always a pleasure but dealing candy is a mere warmup for December’s main event.

I have had a wonderful life. I drive an old car but it is more reliable than me so I have no concerns getting where I need to go. I have seen the world and met thousands across in it. Some have much, some have little, but all have hearts and souls and so much to teach that I never tire of learning. Thank you for giving them to me. It’s quite alright if you want to keep doing so and I am quite content to make due with my banged up suitcase and knapsack, scuffed from the rigors of life experience.

This year Santa, while chocolate chip cookies are crumbling n your beard as you kill time reading fan mail in front of the fire, please grant me something off my 12 Days of Christmas list — the only gifts I hope to receive.

12. Make poachers stop poaching, thieves stop stealing, and liars in neckties immediately stop speaking.

11. Make sure people who are sick can go to the doctor. And as a bonus, since everyone feels sick when he or she suddenly needs to buy new tires, give people tires for free.

10. Help people keep their heads and hearts aligned. Remind them to worry less, care more, sleep better, and be kinder to others as part of daily living.

9. Water down the anger and impatience. Resurrect the vanishing arts of resilience and coping skills. Make life skills the cornerstones of a contented life.

8. Bless us all by banning commercials from TV, radio, and the Internet. A million a year are too many. Brains are scrambled enough already. And speaking of scrambled brains, downgrade celebrity. Upgrade benevolence.

7. Ban selfies worldwide. Conk selfie takers on the noggin with those stupid sticks.

6. Reintroduce the office telephone as an acceptable means of two-way communication.

5. Cast a spell — a minor skeletal adjustment — so necks won’t bend. Force eyes up. Eye contact will free millions more smiles.

4. All purchased food must resemble photos on the box or menu. If it doesn’t, it’s free.

3. Because even the strong are broken in places, make sure everyone is nice. This is doable because nice is free.

2. Give the blind a day they can see, the deaf a day they can hear, and those who can do both a day when they can’t.

1. No more lost limbs. Cure paralysis and eliminate A.L.S., too. Pull this off and you’ll be the sexiest man alive.

 

Thanks, Santa. The world is a better place for having you in it. Keep fighting the good fight. We appreciate your service.

 

Best regards,

P.S. If you have time left over, please greenlight my London movie. The world needs more laughter and I could use the dough.
Thnx, Ocean P