I write movie screenplays and rarely watch TV, so I love to disappear inside an uninterrupted good story. The post-Oscar season is when we are treated to studio bombs and sneaky little indy films. Here are one sentence reviews for 21 slow season motion pictures.
Some you will recognize from hype and the banging of marketing departments’ pots and pans. Others you might not have heard of but are worth looking for it you have a theater nearby that’s friendly to independent or foreign films.
I use a five finger rating system. Five is a superb film, four is excellent, three is “just a movie,” two is not worth seeing at retail price, and — since dignity prohibits giving a super-bad film a bold 1-finger — the worst of the worst scores a 0, the Dreaded Fist of Badness. Films scoring a 0 are so bad we should get our money back and be allowed to use the Dreaded Fist to thump-whump everyone responsible for foisting bad cinema upon unsuspecting patrons.
With a two-index-finger drum roll, let’s raise the curtain, please . . .
The Lego Movie – 4 fingers. This “life lesson” film is nonstop sensory overload that unfolds with hurricane force, leaving children wanting more and adults staggering toward the car in search of peace and quiet.
Prince Avalanche – 3 fingers. Paul Rudd is surprisingly good in this quiet four-actor effort centered around a pair of young men passing time as they camp out in the burnt out Texas wilderness and repaint stripes on park roads in the aftermath of a bad forest fire.
The Railway Man – 3 fingers. Colin Firth again plays an anguished fellow dealing with demons in this World War II prisoner of war revenge flashback film, which is based on a true story.
The Monuments Men – 3 fingers. A boring sashay about old guys in World War II trying to save art treasures keeps getting in its own way with an unconvincing all-star cast.
Gloria – 5 fingers. A middle-aged divorcee smilingly navigates the single life in Santiago, Chile by dancing, sleeping around, and getting even with a lying husband who feigned his love while hiding the truth of his family life.
The Grand Budapest Hotel – 5 fingers. Wes Anderson runs his string of outstanding feature films to 8 straight with this clever, creative, and near perfect story about a hotel operator (Ralph Fiennes) and his lobby boy (newcomer Tony Revolori) as they preside over chaos and mayhem in this between-the-wars romp set in eastern Europe.
Veronica Mars – 2 fingers. This low-budget TV series follow-up starring Kristen Bell as a young private investigator was funded by a Kickstarter donation campaign and is skewed in story, script, and direction to appease its loyal tween girl audience.
The Lunch Box – 4 fingers. This quiet, gentle character study about a lonely wife and elderly stranger who is delivered her personally made lunch by mistake for a series of workdays is a wonderful slice of life story hidden in the massive enormity of chaotic Mumbai.
Noah – 2 fingers. As great as director Darren Aronofsky’s tight little low budget drama Black Swan was, it’s hard to believe the same guy orchestrated this overblown mess of an “epic” based on a sweeping Biblical tale starring famed meanie Russell Crowe as a religious devotee.
Cesar Chavez – 4 fingers. This long overdue biopic about a seemingly ordinary man fueled by courage to bring extraordinary social chance and benefit the nation’s downtrodden farm workers is a wonderful testament to an unsung hero of the late-60s and early-70s.
Captain America 2 – 2 fingers. As this ponderous sequel incessantly proves, if you have no story—blow stuff up.
Oculus – 3 fingers. A no-name cast delivers a surprisingly entertaining horror film with a really strong finish.
The English Teacher – 2 fingers. Despite having Julianne Moore in its starring role, this flat, predictable high school theater version is a bleating flat note compared to Mr. Holland’s Opus.
Walking the Camino: Six Ways to Santiago – 2 fingers. This low budget, so what documentary about anonymous people who decide to walk some or all of the way across Spain’s historic religious trail is tedious at its best, ponderous at its worst.
Bears – 3 fingers. Disney’s nature photographers cobble together a scenic narrated story of an Alaskan grizzly sow and her two newborn cubs during their first year of life.
Draft Day – 2 fingers. This forgettable homage to the NFL’s annual worshipping of college boys entering a man’s league benefits from Kevin Costner’s noble effort but suffers from a lack of story and script.
Brick Mansions – 2 fingers. Detroit has never looked worse than in the late Paul Walker’s final leading role, a punch ‘em up, beat ‘em up, blow ‘em up disjointed disappointment.
Under the Skin – 5 fingers. The quiet, innovative high-concept sci-fi drama showcases the acting chops of sex siren Scarlett Johansson in one of her finest performances.
Hateness, Loveness – 5 fingers. This impeccably-written wounded family story features a superb cast, efficient direction, pitch-perfect soundtrack, and showcases the impressive dramatic chops of Kristen Wiig playing a wounded woman who comes upon a fractured blue-collar family that needs her just as much as she needs them.
Neighbors – 2 fingers. Except for a couple clever sight gags and a good premise, there’s nothing worth seeing in this Seth Rogan hypefest about a young married couple with a baby going to war with the fraternity that moves next door.
Blue Ruin – 3 fingers. This tight little revenge drama is a pleasant surprise, with wonderful character actor Devin Ratray (Home Alone, Nebraska) doing another fine job in this low-budget film where words are minimized and silence carries the story.